Protect Your Energy: A Testimony
I have always been the healer in this house, but it's only when I started to heal myself that I could really start to see this. There's so much symbolism in this situation that it actually blows my mind. Years of trying to declutter (heal) other people's shit subconsciously. That, only leaving me drained because I wasn't doing the inner work to declutter my own space. Spiraling me into a 8 year depression.
My cup was empty, yet I kept trying to heal others. Not knowing what a cup was, not knowing I was trying to heal, not knowing that healing was my nature. And most importantly not knowing what boundaries were and how to establish them for myself. You cannot help/heal someone who doesn't want to be helped/or healed, Or who is not ready to let go of the clutter in their life. Even if they are the people you love the most. You cannot bleed for people to help mend the wounds that they they will just tear open again & again.
Is your healing, hurting or helping? Is it draining your energy? Has it been for years without you even realizing? Set your limits. Know when it's time to way. Please protect your energy. At all cost. It will hurt. To walk away from a place you've known your whole life. You might feel like you're turning your back on the people you love. But if they love you they will understand that you can't live life with your cup running on E. This is detrimental to your wellbeing.
I have been unknowingly hurting myself in a place that I called home for 20 years. Seeing but not understanding the toll it actually took on me mentally, physically, and spiritually. Today after an altercation spewed from trying to help declutter that of which someone did not want to let go of. I realized that it's not my "stuff" to clear. Not anymore. I refuse to remain in this vicious never ending cycle. I can't keep emptying my cup.
I will not spiral back into depression. As it does not resonate with me anymore. I cannot heal myself in an environment which refuses to heal itself. Energetically, it drains me. And my energy is too essential for that. I express an extreme amount of gratitude for all the lessons and experiences. As I understand everything had to happen exactly how it did & all things are working for my ultimate good. But there's the newfound light inside of me that burns too bright for me to ever hide it again.
Here, if I shine my light, I am only met with resistance. As I refuse to hide anymore. I love everyone here. So much. But it's time for me to step into myself. To learn, to experience, to heal, to grow, to ascend, to practice, to become more connected to Source & All That Is. To become more aware of my divinity, and have a better understanding of oneness with myself & all things. To learn to live in the truth that I am never separated with God who lives within.
For years I have tried to heal in this environment, but it wasn't until college when I was able to live in a new environment that I understood the teachings a new space could bring. The benefits of healing in a fresh, healthy space. The magic in venturing out & exploring the world. This has been extremely long and I understand I write things that aren't funny, or too personal, or too spiritual but at this point I have no desire to associate myself with narratives or versions others have created about me in their own minds. Because that's not my story. This is.
This is what this school year has taught me so far & if it happens to help anyone, thank u for listening & I pray that u find your place in this world & the light within yourself. I pray u reach a place where the need to let it shine outweighs the desire to hide it for anyone. And if this doesn't resonate with you I hope you find something that does, & I completely understand. Even though we are all one we are not all the same & that's completely okay. Helping heal the human condition is my purpose. This requires transparency & I will not hide my truth.
Today was a huge wakeup call for me and I know is an end of an era. I have no idea what this new phase of life will bring, but I know that it will be divine and for the highest good for myself and of humanity. Thank you to everyone. Those that stuck by during my darkest hours & my lightest days. Those who hurt me & those who have healed me. Those who loved and left. Those who are still here today. You have have played a pivotal role in my journey back to self. I am nothing but grateful.
And most of all thank you for my divine spiritual team for being there for me EVERY step of the way even when I so desperately wanted to leave this earth experience & could not see the light anywhere in my life in the beginning of the school year. Through darkness I discovered my most essential truth. That there Is a light that has lived inside of me since the day I was born. Through which I am everything & without I am nothing. A light that is me as I am IT, as IT is everything that is.
God, YOU are that light
I love you.
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