Allowance

This is a very unpolished piece, but it felt like sharing it was necessary.

---

Today I feel so connected to everything that is.

A few days ago I had a huge, mental, emotional and spiritual breakdown. In a frenzy I told myself that I was gonna fast for 6 days during my cycle, delete social media for a week, turn my phone off and disconnect from the world.

In 2017 the same thing happened around this time of the year. Back then, the only thing I knew how to do was to detach and isolate so that I could figure out how to breathe again.

Whenever I get overwhelmed my first reaction is to hide, run away and block myself from any outside threats that could potential harm me even further… Sometimes that is disguised as fasting, or disappearing from the world.

Friday was the first day of my moon cycle. I planned to move in silence that day. I meditated and downloaded a mantra to help me stay in the present vibration of Love. I brought some polaroid film so that I could adventure in the forest, take pictures and reflect. I put my phone on airplane mode in an attempt to go off the grid completely.

***

Earlier that day, after my meditation, I realized that sometimes you have to venture outside of the original plan in order to Be in the flow.

It was super-hot outside, so I ended up just lying on the field, it just so happened that my best friend texted me when I turned my phone off of airplane mode to make a quick google search at the store. At the time I felt like I couldn’t express how I was feeling to anyone, because no one would understand. She was an angel in the darkness for me because she let me know she was there for me, she just listened.

That’s all I needed that day, someone to hold space for me and listen. (Happy Rebirth day to us)

After that, my period cramps got kinda bad, but still manageable and I am thankful for that. I went home jumped in my moms bed and just let myself feel my womb mourning in the AC. I dosed in an out of sleep. Woke back up, picked up The Power of Now and re-read a page I had highlighted prior.

It told me that we battle our control dramas by accepting.

I woke up, and suddenly everything made sense. I was no longer in a state of mental chaos, my uterus was calm, my heart was open and so full, and my spirit was at peace.

It was when I allowed myself to come out of my shell, stop trying to figure everything out, and let the universe and my loved ones support me, that everything become so clear to me.

Sometimes when we are in confusion and we feel like we are spiraling, we are really just shifting. The ego fears change and so we try to isolate ourselves from the world to be alone with our own thoughts to find clarity. However, maybe what we really need is to let go, be in the present moment, and allow the universe to work for us. Maybe instead of isolating, all we really need to do is surrender our mental chatter, and be at peace.

Surrender Worry

Surrender Anger

Choose Trust

I thought I had to delete the world in order to get a hold of my own.

All I needed to do was allow the world to work with me, instead of fighting it.

I don’t need to run away from my problems anymore. I don’t need to figure it all out through extensive thought anymore.

All I need to do in times of mental confusion is surrender, ground myself, and allow the answers to flow to me.

I can let people in, I can express how I feel, I can allow people to help me. I can allow the world to support me.

I am allowing myself to be seen, I am allowing myself to be loved. I am allowing myself to be supported.

Balance is not found in polarity.

Balance is found in integration.